How to leave the planet

or

The Abandon Earth Kit

By Douglas Adams

Transcribed by Carter.

YOU HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY SELECTED as a totally random member of the Human Race. This chapter is for you. Before you read it:

1. Find a stout chair
2. Sit on it

This chapter had been spontaneously generated by the PASSING ACQUAINTANCES OF THE EARTH computer. It will appear in this book when the computer judges that the Earth has passed the P.O.S.T.O.S.E.H. (Possibility of Sorting Things Out Sensibly Event Horizon)

If you have this chapter you may assume that the crucial point has now been passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be the future of the human race.

The following instructions are for you:

1. Leave the planet as quickly as possible.
2. Do not procrastinate.
3. Do not panic.
4. Do not take the Whole Earth Catalogue.

HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET:

• Phone NASA (tel. 0101 713 483 0123). Explain that it is very important that you get away as quickly as possible.

• If they do not co-operate, then try to get someone at the White House (Tel: 0107 095 295 9051) to bring some pressure to bear on them.

• If you don’t get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (Tel: 0107 202 456 1414) and ask them to bring a little pressure to bear on the white house on your behalf.

• If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (Tel: 010 396 6982).

• If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it’s vitally important that you get away before your phone bill arrives.

 

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WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HEADING:

Where everyone else in the Galaxy is heading. Stay in the swim, hang out in the bars, keep your ear to the sub-ether. Send all information home on postcards for the benefit of the next wave of Earth emigrants. Current information says that everyone else on the Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic Sector JPG71248. It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of hunky rock in the known sky.

WHAT YOUR TRAVELS WILL BE LIKE

Difficult and unbelievably dangerous.

Space is notorious for having all sorts of terribly frightening things happening in it, most of which are best dealt with by running away very fast

You should therefore take with you:

A pair of strong running shoes. The most useful type are of outrageous design and mind mangling colours; experience has shown that if, while strolling through the ancient swampworld of Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly across an appalling alien monster with Lasero-Zap eye, Swivel-Shear teeth, several dozen tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces of Zangrid, and a terrible temper, it is your immediate best interests that the monster should be for a moment:

1. startled, and
2. looking downwards.

A towel. Whilst the monster is temporarily confused by your footwear you should wrap the towel round its head and strike it with a blunt instrument.

A blunt instrument (see above).

A green Eezi-Mind Anti-Guilt jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing after incidents such as the above. Guilt is now known to be an electromagnetic waveform which is reflected and defused by the material from which these shirts are made. Wearing them protects you from worrying about all sorts of things, including your unpaid phone bill.

A pair of Joo Janta 200 Super Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasess. These will help you to develop a relaxed attitude to danger. At the first hint of trouble they turn totally black, thus preventing you from seeing anything which might alarm you.

All the lyrics to any songs you like to sing whilst travelling. It is very easy to make enemies by continually singing a song you don’t know all the words to, particularly on long space journeys.

A bottle of something. There are very few people in the Galaxy who wont be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a bottle of something.

MEDICAL KIT

In case of physical injury, press the buttons relating to A) part affected and B) nature of injury simultaneously:

[ ] Leg            [ ] Broken

[ ] Arm            [ ] Bruised

[ ] Head            [ ] Wrenched off

[ ] Chest            [ ] Mauled by Algonian suntiger

[ ] Other…   [ ] Insulted

This page will instantly exude appropriate waves of sympathy and understanding.

REASSURANCE PANEL

In case of doubt, confusion or alarm, please touch this panel:

At times of stress it is often reassuring to make physical contact with friendly objects.

This panel is your friend.

N.B: On the assumption that nothing terrible is going to happen to the world and everything’s suddenly going to be all right really, all the advice in this chapter may be safely ignored.

 End.

By Douglas Adams.

Transcribed by Carter. 22nd March 1998.