The Right Wing Dictionary

This post was pub­lished over 700 days ago and there­fore may not rep­res­ent cur­rent Out­side Con­text think­ing or opin­ion. Please, do not let that detract from your enjoy­ment of it!

With thanks to the Waste­land of Wonders

ABORTION: One of the greatest evils ever to befall any soci­ety, and an “abom­in­a­tion unto God.” Note that abor­tion only applies to unborn chil­dren. When chil­dren are abused, murdered, or die of star­va­tion and dis­ease, it is referred to as “God’s per­fect and unsearch­able will”.

ACTIVIST: Any­one you dis­agree with. Thus, “act­iv­ist” judges, “act­iv­ist” uni­ons, “act­iv­ist” school boards, and “act­iv­ist” homosexuals.

AGENDA: All polit­ical object­ives you oppose. Demo­crats, lib­er­als, fem­in­ists, gays, and envir­on­ment­al­ists have “agen­das.” Right-wing politi­cians have “hopes” and “dreams” and “godly plans of action.”

ANTI-FAMILY: Any legis­la­tion sponsored by Demo­cratic con­gress people.

ARK: An engin­eer­ing mar­vel cap­able of car­ry­ing and ser­vi­cing the unique needs of every animal (in pairs) that ever exis­ted through flood waters that covered the entire planet.

BONDAGE TO BITTERNESS: A state of sin a per­son is said to be in if they speak out about abuses they have suffered at the hands of Chris­ti­ans or churches.

BOYCOTT: God’s pre­ferred method of social change. If the tar­geted organ­isa­tion capit­u­lates to a boy­cott, it is proof of “the power of God to change hearts.” How­ever, if a boy­cott is unsuc­cess­ful, it proves the organ­isa­tion being boy­cot­ted is “hardened” and “in the grip of the Devil.”

BROKEN FAMILIES: Refers only to divorce and applies to ALL divorces. Fam­il­ies are never “broken” or “shattered” by bad mar­riages, domestic viol­ence, child abuse, incest, or molestation.

CAREER: The greatest decep­tion ever per­pet­rated upon women by “rad­ical fem­in­ists” and one of the primary causes for The Break­down Of The Fam­ily. Careers for women are “destruct­ive” and “unful­filling” com­pared to full-time child-rearing and home edu­ca­tion. Women who attempt to bal­ance fam­ily and career are seen as “shirk­ing their God-given respons­ib­il­ity” and are respons­ible for cre­at­ing another “gen­er­a­tion without values.”

CIVIL RIGHTS: The concept of equal legal rights; applies to every­one except gay and les­bian Amer­ic­ans for whom equal rights become “spe­cial” rights.

CONSTITUTION, U. S.: A flawed and tem­por­ary code of gov­ern­ment which must suf­fice until the King­dom of God can be re-established on earth.

CREATIONISTS: Cour­ageous buck­ers of the sci­entific estab­lish­ment whose unan­im­ous adher­ence to fun­da­ment­al­ist Chris­tian­ity is mere coincidence.

CULT: Any reli­gion other than fun­da­ment­al­ist Christianity.

DEATH PENALTY: A form of pun­ish­ment not used often enough. Most right-wing Chris­ti­ans long for the day when this is imple­men­ted against gays and les­bi­ans. (See “Com­pas­sion.”) The only time the death pen­alty is not con­sidered “God’s mighty judg­ment” is when a death row inmate has become a born-again Chris­tian. Then, the death pen­alty is “unne­ces­sary” and seen as an “imped­i­ment to fur­ther min­istry” by the inmate slated for execution.

DECEPTION: Term describ­ing the state of being a fel­low Chris­tian is in if they dis­agree with you on a social or theo­lo­gical issue. For example, if another Chris­tian holds views that are pro-choice, pro-gay rights, or anti-death pen­alty, then they are “deceived.” If the same Chris­tian makes a logical, reasoned argu­ment for their pos­i­tion, then they are “misled.” If the same Chris­tian also makes a Scrip­tural argu­ment for their pos­i­tion, then they are “false teach­ers,” “rebel­li­ous,” and guilty of “twist­ing the Word.” See “Liberal.”

DISNEY: The main force behind The Col­lapse of Tra­di­tional Moral Val­ues, and one of society’s greatest threats to The Fam­ily, second only to gays and les­bi­ans. Respons­ible for cre­at­ing and pop­ular­ising the idea of domestic part­ner benefits.

DOMESTIC PARTNER BENEFITS: Given by most pro­gress­ive busi­nesses and large cor­por­a­tions years before Dis­ney offered them. Seen as a sign of “col­lapsing moral val­ues” and as one of the largest threats to The Fam­ily. Main impetus for imple­ment­ing The Boy­cott, but only against cer­tain com­pan­ies. See “Disney.”

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: A myth­ical prob­lem that does not affect The Fam­ily, does not injure or kill Chris­tian women, and is never to be addressed.

DRAGONS: Proof that humans and dino­saurs coexisted.

EVOLUTIONISTS: Evil athe­ists bent on cor­rupt­ing our youths.

FEMINIST: Term (derog­at­ory) for women not suf­fi­ciently sub­missive. Respons­ible for: neg­lected chil­dren, teen­age preg­nancy, unem­ployed males, poor SAT scores, break­down of The Family.

FIRST AMENDMENT: A spe­cial amend­ment to the U.S. Con­sti­tu­tion which applies only to fun­da­ment­al­ist Chris­ti­ans. Any other per­sons or groups which attempt to use it are said to be “hid­ing behind it” and “sub­vert­ing the true intent of the Found­ing Fathers.”

FLOOD: The only pos­sible explan­a­tion for every geo­lo­gic form­a­tion ever encountered: includ­ing moun­tains, coal depos­its, and oil reserves.

FOSSILS: Remains of anim­als that were des­troyed in the Flood that in no way sup­ports evolution.

FOUNDING FATHERS: The men who wrote the U.S. Con­sti­tu­tion. All were born-again, Bible-believing Chris­ti­ans who believed Amer­ica should be a Chris­tian nation and have a Chris­tian gov­ern­ment. The only reason they didn’t state this expli­citly was because they avoided stat­ing the obvious.

FREEDOM: The most pre­cious thing Amer­ic­ans pos­sess. It refers to the right to attend any fun­da­ment­al­ist, con­ser­vat­ive, Bible-believing church you wish, listen to any Chris­tian music, watch any Chris­tian TV, and read any Chris­tian book you want; and vote for any Repub­lican can­did­ate you choose.

GAPS: Those pesky holes in the evol­u­tion­ary the­ory that double every time a so-called trans­itional fossil is found.

GAY CHRISTIANS: Not pos­sible. Those that claim to exist are “trapped” in a state of Decep­tion, and are first in line for the Lake of Fire because they “twist God’s Word.” To save them, right-wing Chris­ti­ans must exer­cise “com­pas­sion” and tell them that God wants to kill them.

GAY/LESBIAN: Homo­sexual is the pre­ferred term, as it focuses more expli­citly on sex. With fem­in­ists and lib­er­als, respons­ible for nearly all social ills (with the pos­sible excep­tion of abortion).

GOD: See “Republican”.

HATE CRIMES: Do not exist. Just another lie from “mil­it­ant rad­ical homo­sexual activists.”

HETEROSEXUALS: Never used. Assumed to be every­one on earth, except for a tiny num­ber of “mil­it­ant rad­ical homo­sexual activists”.

HOLLYWOOD: The source of all evil in West­ern Civil­isa­tion. Con­trolled either by Dis­ney, fem­in­ists, lib­er­als, and “mil­it­ant rad­ical homo­sexual act­iv­ists” or Time/ Warner when a new rap album is released. Also known as “Mys­tery Babylon” and “the Pit of Hell.”

HOMOSEXUALS: Tiny minor­ity of “mil­it­ant rad­ical act­iv­ists” seek­ing spe­cial rights, hir­ing quotas and the destruc­tion of The Fam­ily. Recent phe­nomenon sig­nalling The End Is Near.

HYDROLOGIC SORTING: The notion that the reason that humans are found highest in the geo­lo­gic column is that they were able to run faster up the moun­tains than the dinosaurs.

INTER-RELATED THEORY OF SPECIES: a made up term use­ful for mak­ing it appear we have a real, altern­at­ive theory.

JUDEO-CHRISTIAN ETHIC: A high moral code which will last until Christian-Fundamentalism gains total power, at which time the “Judeo” part will be dropped.

JUDICIAL SYSTEM: Vary­ing defin­i­tions. When rul­ing against you, the courts are a sneaky way of sub­vert­ing the “will of the people”. Oth­er­wise, a per­fectly accept­able way of enfor­cing God’s Will.

MACROEVOLUTION: A pseudo-scientific term use­ful for sound­ing more object­ive than we really are.

MATERIALISM: Does not exist; there­fore, not an issue. Massive per­sonal wealth among lead­ers of organ­isa­tions you sup­port is fur­ther evid­ence of “God’s favour.”

MEDIA: No such thing. Always “lib­eral, sec­u­lar, biased media.” Respons­ible for teen­age preg­nancy, illit­er­acy, sexual addic­tions, earth­quakes, and the break­down of The Family.

MICROEVOLUTION: Is true.

MILITANT: Never applied to polit­ical pos­i­tions you agree with. Mil­it­ant pro-lifers, mil­it­ant pro-family-ists, and mil­it­ant Chris­ti­ans are a con­tra­dic­tion in terms.

MIRACLE: A won­drous dis­play of the power of God. Usu­ally hap­pens in remote places of Africa, Asia, or South Amer­ica, where there are no TV cam­eras and no inde­pend­ent observ­ers, and can be veri­fied only through stor­ies told by the vis­it­ing evan­gel­ist who preaches on Sunday morning.

MONEY: The root of all evil, except when it is donated to the church.

MYTHOLOGY: All non-Biblical stor­ies and fables of cre­ation, talk­ing anim­als, halt­ing heav­enly bod­ies, mir­acles, and other non­sensical tales of magic.

NOAH AND HIS FAMILY: The extremely tired crew of the Ark.

PERFECTION: The aspects of Cre­ation that point to the Per­fect Cre­ator (what evol­u­tion­ists mis­la­bel as “refined adapt­a­tion”). Any alleged counter-examples illus­trat­ing imper­fec­tion were really caused by man’s sin and, being allowed by God for the pur­pose of free will, also rep­res­ent a type of per­fec­tion. Trust me. You’ll under­stand it when you go to Bible-college.

PERSECUTION: Suffered if your pos­i­tion on an issue is act­ively opposed. Examples of “per­se­cu­tion” include invest­ig­at­ive journ­al­istic report­ing, any law­suit filed against a church organ­isa­tion by the ACLU, or being yelled at by people you have har­assed by fax or phone or mis­rep­res­en­ted in your fund-raising materials.

PHYSICIAN: Any doc­tor, except those who per­form abor­tions. Phys­i­cians who per­form abor­tions are “abor­tion­ists”. See baby-killer.”

PRIDE: The sin you are said to have whenever you dis­agree with any­thing your pas­tor says. See “spirit of rebel­lion”. Note that pas­tors them­selves can never be guilty of this sin.

PRO-FAMILY: Any legis­la­tion sponsored by Repub­lican con­gress­men. (Note that “con­gress­MEN” is the appro­pri­ate term here; if women knew their place, they would be home rais­ing chil­dren instead of serving in Congress.)

PROPHECY: A pre­dic­tion of the future made in the Bible. All proph­ecies in the Bible are true by defin­i­tion. Any which appear oth­er­wise are known as “alleg­or­ies,” “spir­itual fulfilment’s,” or “yet to be fulfilled”.

RADICAL: Applied to any­one who dis­agrees with you. Thus, “rad­ical” homo­sexu­als, “rad­ical” fem­in­ists, “rad­ical” envir­on­ment­al­ists. Right-wing Chris­ti­ans are not rad­ical, they are “com­mit­ted” and “focused.”

REPUBLICAN: See “God.”

SEX: A won­der­ful gift that God has given to men and women to share with each other within the bonds of holy mat­ri­mony, but that should never, under any cir­cum­stances, be spoken of, writ­ten about, or even thought of. (One excep­tion to this rule is when you hap­pen to be con­demning the sexual prac­tices of others.)

SOCIAL ENGINEERING (syn. SOCIAL EXPERIMENTATION): Term for the “act­iv­ist agen­das” of polit­ical oppon­ents. Oppos­ite is the “nat­ural God-given plan” as defined only by right-wing Christians.

SPECIAL RIGHTS: Applied only to gay and les­bian Amer­ic­ans. Refers to mar­riage, adop­tion and other rights auto­mat­ic­ally gran­ted to het­ero­sexu­als. SUPREME COURT: “Act­iv­ist” when rul­ing against you. But “evid­ence of the mighty hand of God” when rul­ing in your favour or when Clar­ence Thomas is admit­ted to the bench.

STEPHEN J. GOULD: An evol­u­tion­ist who, when quoted out of con­text, can be proven to be a cre­ation­ist. When mis­quot­ing, remem­ber to say: “He wrote it; I didn’t”.

SUPREME COURT APPOINTMENTS: Vary­ing defin­i­tions. A pres­id­en­tial right, if the pres­id­ent is a Repub­lican. Called “stack­ing the court” if the pres­id­ent is a Democrat.

TEN PERCENT: A lie about the per­cent­age of the pop­u­la­tion that is gay or les­bian, pop­ular­ised by “mil­it­ant rad­ical homo­sexual act­iv­ists”, when in fact Right-wing Chris­tian organ­isa­tions have “proven” the fig­ure is closer to one per­cent. How one per­cent of the pop­u­la­tion is respons­ible for the Destruc­tion Of The Fam­ily is never clearly explained. See “Avoid­ing Dif­fi­cult Questions.”

THE FAMILY: Unit of: het­ero­sexual male head of house­hold mar­ried for life to het­ero­sexual female home­maker, with bio­lo­gical home schooled chil­dren con­ceived without birth con­trol at least 9 months after mar­riage in con­ser­vat­ive Bible-believing church. No exceptions.

THEORY: Some­thing we don’t really KNOW for sure that isn’t sup­por­ted by the un-erring, lit­eral Word of God

THEORY OF EVOLUTION: Just a the­ory that, des­pite 150 years of research, count­less sci­entific papers, mil­lions of fossils, thou­sands of trans­itional fossils, and sup­port from genet­ics and geo­logy, has no evid­ence. Remem­ber, it’s just a theory.

THEORY OF GRAVITATION: An example of a sci­entific the­ory with plenty of evid­ence, thus never bring it up when dis­par­aging science.

TRANSITIONAL FOSSILS: Do not, in any way shape or form, exist.

WILL OF THE PEOPLE: Used only when the pub­lic votes your way. Accept­able method of deny­ing con­sti­tu­tional rights to minor­it­ies. Never used when pub­lic opin­ion is against you (i.e. abor­tion, doctor-assisted sui­cide, etc.).

WOMEN: See “wives,” “moth­ers,” or “home­makers.” No other defin­i­tion available.

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