The British Way
Queen awards VC to Iraq war hero
I love the British way of approaching things. Take secret meetings in the US:
In the US you would be woken in the middle of the night and bundled at gun point into a black van by 4 guys in shades who look exactly like Gary Busey. Then you would be driven with a black bag over your head for hours to an airfield where the whole van is flown into the deep desert, where there would be a chainlink fence guarded by another shades wearing Busey clone. Whereupon you would be bundled out of the van and bundled into a lift hidden in an abandoned gas station. The lift would speed you down 4 miles underground where you would be bundled along steel corridors and into a dark room with a large table and all the lights placed in such a way that you cannot see the faces of the men sat around it but they can see yours. Gary Busey would then close the door and you would be all alone with them. No one knows what goes on in that room, but some sort of bundling is presumably involved.
In England we do things differently:
You receive a second class letter in the post. In it is an immaculate cream coloured card upon which is written a cordial invite to a secret meeting on Tuesday tea time. You travel on the tube. You simply walk straight into the MI6 building and hand your hat and coat to the smooth spoken gentlemen who effortlessly guides you through corridors full of the most wonderful art in Europe. You are led to a door bearing a plaque saying “Captain Sir Mornington Smythe” and under a little slider that covers either the word “Enter” or “Secret”. Inside is a large, bright office overlooking the Thames. You are offered tea from China teapots and cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Mr Smythe enters and calls to you with a hearty “Ah! My good man, delighted you could make it”. As you shake hands the butler slips out, closes the door and heads back to his Times crossword.
God bless England!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.“
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
This blog is now upgraded to WP 1.5. Now on my hit list is a personal theme (coming soon) and to upload some of the body of my work.
I have tried a few of the new templates and will be working further on this in the coming days, I very much like “Amsterdam Nights”. Kubric, my current template, is now the default and I am gonna have to switch just to be special!
Perhaps it is because I have been drinking today, but this shit is funny!
CAT TOWN!
On 2nd November 2004 Andrew Lymon, a contestant on the prestigious BBC quiz show Mastermind, answered questions on the Hitchhiker’s Guide radio series and novels. He scored seven points, rising to twenty after the second ‘general knowledge’ round, but was narrowly beaten by a contestant who scored the same number of points but ‘passed’ on fewer questions.
Post your answers in the comments!
Which Magrathean specialised in the design of fjord coastlines and won a design award for Norway?
Answer:
Played by Stephen Moore in the radio series, what is the name of Zaphod Beeblebrox’s private brain care specialist?
Answer:
In So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish, which Boston lady sees Arthur and Fenchurch flying naked when she looks out of the window of a Boeing 747?
Answer:
In Life, the Universe and Everything, what is the name of the award given at the Annual Ursa Minor Alpha Recreational Illusions Institute Awards Ceremony?
Answer:
Ford Prefect is humming the same note repeatedly, claiming it to be the first note of which Noël Coward song, shortly before alien robots invade Lords Cricket Ground?
Answer:
What is the name of the superintelligent shade of the colour blue which helped to build the Heart of Gold?
Answer:
Which actor played Lintilla and her clones in the second radio series?
Answer:
When Douglas Adams was struggling to meet deadlines, John Lloyd was brought in to help him with the radio series. Which is the first episode he co-wrote?
Answer:
According to the radio series, how did Arthur Dent’s only brother meet his unfortunate death?
Answer:
In Mostly Harmless, what is the name of the tenth planet, lying beyond Pluto and nicknamed ‘Rupert’ after an astronomer’s parrot?
Answer:
In So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish, every single person in the galaxy has 2.4 legs and owns what, according to the findings of the Mid-Galactic Census?
Answer:
Near which Austrian city was Douglas Adams in 1971 when, he said, he conceived the Hitchhiker’s Guide while lying drunk in a field?
Answer:
Which settlement of Golgafrinchan hairdressers, telephone sanitisers and management consultants held its 573rd Annual Colonisation Meeting?
Answer:
The coarse, faded blue robes and belts of which university were worn by Majikthise and Vroomfondel?
Answer:
Franchise movies… they will murder us all!
Tagline– Whoever wins.…we lose.
Written by– Paul Anderson
Directed by– Paul Anderson
Staring– Lance Henriksen, Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova, Colin Salmon, Ewen Bremner, Agathe De La Boulaye, Agathe De La Boulaye, Tommy Flanagan, Carsten Norgaard, Joseph Rye, Sam Troughton, Tom Woodrfuff Jr & Ian White
Storyline–The film is set in the present time at the beginning of the 21st century and a group of scientists and archaeologists travel to Antarctica to view some ancient pyramid ruins. These ruins are deep under the ice surface which were formed much earlier than the pyramid ruins in Egypt. When the group reaches one of the pyramids in Antarctica, they discover human skeletons and the fossilized remains of Facehuggers and Chestbursters. They also find out that these aliens might be still alive somewhere in the pyramid ruins but unknown to them, there’s also another species of alien exploring there — the Predators
Aliens and Predators, two species separated by two million (light) years of evolution, are suddenly thrown back into the mix again… how can we possibly be expected to know what gonna happen?
Who the fuck are you?
These days we don’t get a film, and we certainly don’t get any attempts at real characterisation. These days plots are lifted wholesale from other franchise films and even computer games, but then what do we expect from a film based on a comic book?
In the previous films (especially the first) we were given a tour de force in characters. Ripley’s ur women wonderfulness (I really fancy Ripley in alien) is stripped of all feeling and dumped in the lap of Sanaa Lathan who is given one direction:
“…give me more grumpy and bossy!”
It is a pale cypher of the original. The rest of the crew are just as vacant. You have Spud from transporting (Ewen Bremner), and I don’t just mean the actor, I mean the fucking character who must be thinking this is all a drugged up trip and he going to wake up back in Scotland at any moment.
Sorry spud mate you are in a different hell now!
We also have latin lover Raoul Bova, who decodes ancient languages like nobodies business.
Finally, the other character of note is the ever present Alien fodder, Lance Henriksen.
Some people have commented that this guy breaks the continuity of the alien series because he was in Alien 3, hundreds of years into the future. Actually if you watch the laserdisk of Alien 3, you can see that Lance is once again playing the android Bishop and he had lied to Ripley (so there!).
He is filmed in washed out tones to highlight his features as he struts around in a rush due to on crouching death from cancer.
Everyone else is there to be killed and eaten.
The humans also have some guns to (g36’s – chosen in all modern movies because they look spacey and sexy. Some of the guys also have the smaller Dessy” Eagle). They, of course, come to no aid when the the enemy are awakened. The human warriors are just too silly and soft. In much of the film their softness is evident in how easily they die. This is more like the showing from early in the previous film: Aliens where Sgt. Apone buys it than the gutsy fight out later when Hicks and the remaining crew make their stand. The humans in AVP truly are cattle led to the slaughter.
You never see the eyes of the demon until he come calling
So if the humans are the fodder then this must be a creature feature. It is actually two. The noble predators and their Rastafarian invisible pike man routine versus the ever grisly Alien perfect hunter ant mentality nightmare and it is here that the cash has been spent.
One ugly motherfucker
The Predator’s effects are easy now. I remember back when the governor of California was a commando who passed on Lybia (his team are not assassins), the Predator was literally added after the acting because the initial design was soooo bad (Looking like an anorexic lizard). Aliens versus this original Predator would have been a easy call had they had not come up with the excellent tribal raster shtick.
Coming into Earth for sport (again!) and to prove themselves (a sort of adult rights of passage) the Preds are very skilled in killing humans but seem to have problems with Aliens.
Get away from her you bitch
Said Aliens are now even more convincing. Having been awakened they burst out the humans, team up and go after everyone else. One alien in particular is given a little character by his head being crosshatched by a predator razer net weapon (first seen in predator 2).
As I said the humans are made very short work of but the Preds sell themselves much dearer.
There follows a series of maze, oh don’t look behind you, type set pieces all self contained so they allow maximum word of mouth chat after the film as in the “dude, you remember the bit when…” etc
Finally the ancient languages guy and Lance buy the bucket, leaving only our lady and the baddass of the Preds left to work together. A clever plot line is the way she finally gets a weapon that can kill the aliens; an alien tail for a pike.
I personally think the pike is underated as a weapon of movie war, as Alexander aside its only really used in The Edge where Hopkins kills a bear with it. As a weapon it relies on the enemy impailing itself onto the end. I think as a plot device it would have been brilliant to have the Hobbits in Lord of the Rings as pikemen. Thier size, passive-aggressive natures, and team spirit would suit the pike well whereas the swords just look silly. Imagine Sam taking on Shelob with a pike! (You remember that he eventually beats her by using Sting as a pike right?).
This is all building up to the father predictable climax of these two versus the now escaped Alien queen. This final duel, predictable though it is, has some amazing action and shows how Hollywood is able to convincingly show almost Manga levels of violence and destruction. After all, when a 7ft predator, a women and a 30 foot queen Alien in chains have a five minute fight in a snowstorm, whilst at the same time everything else blows up, you can be sure that the effects team knows their onions.
Essentially thats the story: a switch your mind off, teen version of a film I had high hopes for. It is a shame that so many modern films are not meant for anyone over 21 and I feel a little left out. After all, Predator 2 and Aliens still make my pulse go above normal but I feel this film, good though it is, wont be flicking my sprong 10 years from now. Shame.
Scores
7 out of ten
Where 10 is Bladerunner and Empire Strikes Back, 9 is Collateral and 1 is God of Gamblers 2
pred 1 = 9
pred 2 = 8
alien = 9
aliens = 10
alien 3 = 6.5
alien resurrection = 5
OTHER RESOURCES:
There is a very funny animated review of this film on newgrounds: HERE
Trailer HERE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.“
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.“
“What does that tell you?” says Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?“
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent.”
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.“
The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”
Noah’s ARK
When the ark’s door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
“Listen up!” Noah said with a demanding voice. “There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.“
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife’s cage and was very excited. “Quick!” he said, “Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!” Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, “Sorry, no land yet.” “Damn!”, exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, “What is the matter with you ? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only
after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?“
“Look!” said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, “I GOT THE HORSE’S RECEIPT!”
