Outside Context

Everything I learned about girls I got from animé and manga.

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All girls have extremely viol­ent tend­an­cies. This will vary from girl to girl, but chances are you will end up with a mild con­cus­sion or two before you ever make first base.

If a girl says “nothing’s wrong”, you most likely just did some­thing hor­rible to her. Stop her NOW and appo­lo­gize, or it WILL be con­strued that you did it intentionally.

The more the girl says she dis­likes you, the more she is fall­ing in love with you. That slap to the face is just her little way of telling you she thinks you’re cute.

If there are ANY other girls in your life, they will even­tu­ally fall for you. The more you and your main girl are with it, the more these oth­ers will try to interfere.

Girls are pack anim­als. If you find your­self involved with one girl, many more will soon inject them­selves into your life. This is also known as the “Harem Rule”. The gen­eral ratio is 1 guy for every 5 girls.

You will never get a per­fect “alone moment”. Mood just right? About to share a first kiss? Well get ready to be inter­rup­ted at the worst pos­sible moment.

The more bub­bly a girl seems, the more tradgic a past she has. That bright and cheery red­head prob­ably had her last boy­friend die in her arms.

Any prom­ises you made at a young age with a girl will be fufilled. For­get that there are over 6 bil­lion people in the world, you WILL find that single one you made a prom­ise with years ago. And of course, you will end up fall­ing madly in love.

Any past rela­tion­ships your girl had will come back to haunt you. That boy­friend that died in her arms? Turns out he’s still alive, and wants her back.

Girls are allowed to change their minds, you are not. When an old flame comes back into her life, she will waffle between you and him for what seems like forever. How­ever, you so much as look at another girl below the neck­line, and you’re in the doghouse.

Girls are “awk­ward acci­dent mag­nets”. You will acci­dent­ally walk in while she’s chan­ging, bathing, etc… over and over and over. You will, of course, be phys­ic­ally pun­ished for these accidents.

Girls have no short-term memory. No mat­ter how badly you tick off or embar­rass her, she will imme­di­ately for­give you after she’s cooled down a bit. The event will most likely never be brought up again, even if the event reoccurs.

All girls have super-model fig­ures. There are no fat girls, ever. There aren’t even any ugly girls. The ones described as “nerdy” will still put the S.I. Swim­suit Issue to shame.

Girls’ chests are made of gravity-defying mater­i­als. Mod­ern sci­ence has yet to explain how girls can have mel­ons big­ger than their heads, and still walk upright.

There is no such thing as dress­ing mod­estly. Since all girls look so good, they dress to flaunt this beauty. Skimpy bathing suits are a must.

All girls have slightly les­bian tend­an­cies. Feel­ing eachother up in the bath is some­how con­sidered “bond­ing”. There is no embar­rass­ment in see­ing eachother naked at all. Com­ment­ing on one another’s chest size is per­fectly normal.

The expres­sion “KYAAAAA!!!” is built into girls’ genet­ics. They all will scream this when embar­rassed or suprised.

Dorks rule, pretty boys drool. Unless you’re a pretty boy and gay, aka Yaoi-boy. The rate at which girls will be attrac­ted to you is ranked Yaoi > Dork > Nor­mal > Pretty­Boy. It also helps to be com­pletely broke, clue­less, clumsy, and pathetic.

Yaoi trumps all. Des­pite the fact that they have NO interest in girls, Yaoi-boys will instantly melt any and all girls’ hearts. They are like the unat­tain­able trophy-kill of the savanah-of-girlhood.

Your skel­et­ons are good. Hav­ing a dark/tragic past will envoke sym­pathy from all the females around you. They will look at your bitter/negative atti­tude and feel sorry for you instead of being turned-off.

Girls are X-Treme! There is no such thing as a nor­mal girl. All girls are vary­ing degrees of dif­fer­ent arch­types. Hav­ing interest in mar­tial arts is not enough, she will be a mas­ter by age 16. That little 13 year old would put the Iron Chefs to shame with her cooking.

You can­not do any­thing right. Everth­ing you try in order to be seen as sweet or caring, will some­how go awry and be con­strued as you being a jerk, perv, or oth­er­wise. The only time you’ll ever be seen as a nice guy is when you do some­thing com­pletely normal.

You are invin­cible. No mat­ter how many blows to the head, impail­ings, falls from the 4th floor, etc, you will not die. Girls on the other hand, can stub their toe on the dresser and be unable to walk for a week.

Girls have mastered the art of mind-control. If they REALLY want some­thing, you have no choice but to do it. Be warned not to res­ist, or else face the “Sob­bing Girl” effect which can break any male. Be par­tic­u­larly care­full of this dur­ing winter, as a “Sad Girl in the Snow” can eas­ily melt your brain.

All rules that apply to girls, apply with a mul­ti­plier to cat­girls. Please be aware of this, as what would be a nor­mal punch from a girl, could be a claw to the eye from a catgirl.

Cat­girls come in two vari­et­ies. You have honest-to-god felines, and you have cos­play cat­girls. Felines tend to be prone to severe mood swings and viol­ent out­bursts. At the same time, they tend to be much sex­ier than nor­mal girls. How­ever, nor­mal girls cos­play­ing as cats achieve a state of cute­ness com­par­able to zen.

Be wary of cos­play cute­ness. First, be warned that although they still can be sexy at the same time, do NOT make any com­ments or allude to them being sexy. Fail­ing to acknow­lege their supreme cute­ness will res­ult in a hos­pital trip. Second, be warned that com­bin­ing cos­play cute­ness and the “Sob­bing Girl” or “Sad Girl in the Snow” effects is extremely dan­ger­ous to any­one within a 100-yard radius.

Harem Rule. All men, by default, are detest­ible. Or at the very least, unin­ter­est­ing. Men then spend, appar­ently, great amounts of time try­ing to con­vince at least one girl that he’s not like this. If he should suc­ceed, his neg­at­ive status is removed, and he is given a new title of “chick mag­net”. All girls have a 6th sense that can detect the status of men, and are nat­ur­ally attrac­ted (in a mag­net sense) to the few men who’ve attained this rank. Thus, once a man reaches this point, any and all girls nearby are drawn to him, res­ult­ing in his own privet harem of girls. The final stage is after the guy and his main girl finally com­mit to each other (offi­cailly dat­ing, mar­riage), and he recieves his final title of “taken”. This has a sim­ilar effect as his pre­vi­ous title, but in more of a pla­tonic way. That is to say, the girls don’t up and leave the moment the guy is taken, but no longer try to jump his bones at every given chance.

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